I’m only working three days this week and it’s already sucked SO bad. It’s funny how quickly things can change – I went from feeling so grateful for this job to being pretty much unable to wait to move on in only a few months time.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and passive. And I wish I didn’t let the mean things people say or the judgmental looks that swing my way stay with me. Minutes, hours, days later I’m stressed out and miserable still because of passing comments and looks that probably meant nothing from their source of origin. Even when I know that I’m about to be made to feel bad for something, I see it coming and smile at its approach. It’s so hard to stand up to people sometimes because I don’t want to offend them. Is it so wrong to want everyone to like me dammit?!
It feels like people don’t have the courtesy to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ anymore. I know that’s a common complaint of every person in the world who claims someone else is rude. “Oh my god I held the door open for her, and she didn’t even say ‘thank you!’ What. A. Bitch.” That’s not what I’m referring to, though. I think of situations where I go out of my way for a person and get no sort of acknowledgment. It’s always assumed that I will be there to help out, and if I’m not conveniently nearby, that I’ll go sprinting over to do a favor. And in all honesty, that’s mostly true. I love helping people and will always be there to do so. I just feel like there should be some of process where people don’t have these expectations of me, and will at the very least consider that I could maybe possibly probably not say no at any time. But here I am feeling guilty for expecting some sort of nicety, like I’m a child that needs positive acknowledgment for my actions.
I come in contact with so many people pushing the blame onto others when they’ve clearly made the mistake they’re so mad about. This makes total sense to me; of course it’s hard to admit when you’re wrong. But we shouldn’t be pointing the blame our whole lives. The more I experience this kind of behavior, the longer I hold my grudges for. And I can hold a grudge for a very long time, thank you very much. It’s like adults I know are regressing into naughty children. No please or thank you, blaming others, picking fights – GO TO BED AFTER DINNER AND NO ICE CREAM FOR ALL THE MEAN PEOPLE!
I recognize that I need to be better about letting things roll off my shoulders as well, and I am wholeheartedly jealous of people with that ability. It would save me a lot of anxiety. Of course it isn’t just a one way street here, not an I’M RIGHT AND EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG!!! scenario at all. And I also know that I’m not always the nicest to people either, especially if you catch me in a bad mood. (woops) Nobody is perfect, but I sure as hell try my hardest to not take my issues out on others. (Though if you’re a telemarketer and catch me on a bad day, I’m very sorry for you.)
I think that a good portion of society needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for their actions as a solution to these everlasting problems. Stop being defensive over some trivial nonsense that can easily be solved by admitting that it is indeed your fault and then asking for help. The world would be a lot less stressed out and unhappy if people took this route. Expectations always lead to disappointment and I’m sick of being chastised for disappointing people when I didn’t even realize I had become an expectation.
It always seemed so natural and easy to be polite and kind to others. Recently I feel like I’m surrounded by people who have evolved away from having good manners, though, and I can’t wait to change some crucial parts of my life to avoid this nonsense finally. I’m sticking up for myself in the most passive way possible – by running away from them. Good thing I love to run because soon I’m going to be sprinting away and I don’t feel even a little guilty about that.